The Horrifying Reality of "Waves"

A personal perspective movie review of the 2019 A24 Movie "Waves". The generational curses of the black family, the hurt of healing, and the modern human fable.

I’m an avid watcher of YouTube essays, especially surrounding music and movies. Around a month ago, I started to see one particular one concerning the movie “Waves” by A24 Film Studios keep popping up on my feed. Being a college student and a spoiler hater, I kept skipping over the video. Until today.

After having a shitty day, but a hopeful charge from my therapist, I decided to unwind with some comfort food and a YouTube video. That’s when I saw that the actual movie “Waves” was available to watch for free. I didn’t know much about the movie and decided to watch the trailer, but as soon as I saw A24 I clicked play. I knew I was in for a special moment.

“Waves” WRECKED me.

Within the first 5 minutes of the film, I wanted to click off. My older TV couldn’t give the beautiful color-grading justice, and the story seemed like just another wild teenager with emotion issues. Though I was bored, I continued to watch and I’m so glad I did. This movie was real and raw and relatable. It made me realize how deep the trauma passed on through the black family, in the way we raise our children, can be lethal. I witnessed the beautiful process of healing a broken family and saw myself in both of the main characters which was startling. I invite you to join me on my unpacking of what this movie unfolded within my soul.

(There will definitely be SPOILERS. The movie is free on YouTube, so go watch it and come back to read :)

The curse of how children are raised in the Black American family.

Tyler and Emily were the realest black suburban kids that I have ever seen in film. Growing up in the suburbs, I was very privileged. I never wanted for basic necessities, I never questioned the safety of my neighborhood, I never had to forego my childhood. But that’s just the surface stuff, no one’s fucking perfect.

My mom was emotionally manipulative and at times physically abusive (which I’ll get into later), and my dad wasn’t always emotionally available and enabled the abusive behavior. It was just me and my two older brothers against the world until they went to middle school and our age gap became more critical to our development.

Now if you’ve seen this movie and disagree with what I’m about to say, you obviously don’t understand the complexities of the human condition, let alone the complexities of being black in America. Tyler was and still is a good kid. He seemed to have a kind heart, a good work ethic and appeared to be a good partner. That was until his circumstances changed from convenient to catastrophic.

His girlfriend got pregnant, he couldn’t wrestle anymore due to a life-changing injury, and he started to struggle with using substances like painkillers and alcohol to cope. I remember throughout the movie I kept saying to myself “where tf are your parents.” His parents were around though. They showed up for his wrestling tournaments, his dad spent time with him when they worked out, and he also worked with his dad as well. Sure, his parents were around but they didn’t show up for him when he needed it.

There were various points in the movie where you could tell that Tyler was calling out for help, calling out to be noticed and acknowledged. The signs were there from the beginning of the movie, when he was falling asleep in church, and right before his breaking point when he smashed everything in his room. As I reflect back on the movie, I couldn’t help but wonder what if his parents had met him with empathy instead of anger, grace instead of rigidity, maybe he could’ve gotten the help and attention he needed…before he murdered someone.

I think the relationship between Tyler and his parents (Emily too but I’ll get to her later), represents the relationship of several black kids of black parents that try to conform to white society and respectability politics. A moment in the movie that struck me was when Tyler’s father invalidated Tyler’s troubles and preached at him that he must be exceptional to matter. It’s a conversation I’ve witnessed my brothers have with my parents, and a conversation I have had with them too.

Going to an HBCU, I’ve seen that sentiment is so common that it’s not even seen as an issue. This is the curse within the culture we need to break. I think “Waves” did a beautiful job of showcasing how hurt people hurt others. Tyler wasn’t a bad kid, he didn’t know how to regulate his emotions and had no one to turn to. His sister, Emily, was the only one that met him with kindness but she herself was just a kid dealing with her own teenage emotional shit.

I’m not saying that if you don’t pay attention to your kids, they’re going to accidentally murder someone. That’s a jump. I am saying that kids and teenagers need guidance need a positive outlet to let out their emotions, otherwise they might turn to unsavory ways simply because of the pain they feel inside.

The discomfort of healing and grieving the living

After Tyler went to jail, the film slowed down. This was a great creative choice as it brought to life the visual of a wave into the storytelling. I loved how in the first act, the colors are vibrant and blaring and you can mostly see shadows on the faces. It beautifully shows the rise of a wave getting bigger and bigger until it crashes. After the crash comes the calm.

Emily felt like an ode to girls like me. She was in the shadow of her brother until he went to jail, and her dad didn’t give her much nurturing until after the catastrophic event. It reminded me of how I felt until my brothers went away to college, often feeling like my needs were to be put on the backburner. However, I found solace in the comfort of my solitude, just like Emily. Emily prior to the moment that I’ll call “THE CRASH”, was rarely on screen. Only when she as the dance with Alexis did we begin to see some of her personality.

After the crash, Emily became a quiet focus for the rest of the movie. She obviously still felt ignored by her family as her parents struggled with their relationship after Tyler’s incarceration. I didn’t love how Emily sometimes seemed like she had to play the adult around her own parents, but I enjoyed how she still got to have some fun and teenage whimsy through her new relationship. Once again, I found myself asking the same question though of “where tf are your parents.” This time her parents were experiencing similar actions from Emily that Tyler did, they were motivated by different emotions though. Tyler’s actions were motivated by pain and fear, but Emily’s were motivated by hope, and truth.

Watching Emily’s journey was awkward at times, but it was so real. It was real how she sometimes would just sit and think, or eavesdrop on her parents, and sometimes be the mediator between them. Things that I’ve done plenty of times. It was refreshing to see how Emily had never really acknowledged her feelings towards her brother until she sat with their dad. I thought it was a beautiful parallel to the scene with Tyler and their dad. This time Emily broke down and was met with guidance and empathy, something Tyler needed but didn’t get. It showed the growth of the dad in the story.

I think it proved a sad truth about how grief brings us together. It’s sad how a separated family seems to only come together after an important relative dies or is sick. In this case, a family member had been incarcerated for life which basically felt like a living death. Watching the way each member of the family reacted to this was important to see. It was important to see how everyone was emotional in their own way, and was trying the best they could until they could accept the reality of what Tyler did.

I like how this movie didn’t sugarcoat healing, and didn’t make the family seem like sympathizers for Tyler’s wrongdoings. The grief was real and confusing, even when the answer seemed clear the characters weren’t perfect. It made it easier to put myself into their shoes. Which wasn’t a great thing because man did I just ball at the end of the movie.

Takeaways and Final Thoughts

I have a few takeaways from this movie that I think are going to be stuck with me for a very long time and influence the way that I raise my kids in the future.

1. You have to open up to somebody or you will run yourself to ruin.

2. Forgiveness is a pillar to healing

3. You have to let go of perfection and expectations of others. It does not serve you; it only serves them and destroys you.

4. Meet them with empathy, even if you don’t understand

Overall, this movie was a great pick me up to a terrible day, even though emotionally I was wrecked. It reminded me a lot of my own family and upbringing and brought a lot of gratitude within me. This movie touched my soul, as it showcased real fears, I have around been a woman, being black, and being a mother. I highly recommend this movie for the curious and complex thinker. I hope you enjoyed my “review” I don’t know if you could really call it that, so let’s call it an essay on the movie “Waves”